#83. Expectation, Reality and Happiness
Rethinking Expectations
Welcome to the blog post #83! Click here to read more from previous posts.
Please note that I’ve changed my publishing schedule to weekly Monday. Enjoy your read!
Last week, I came across two seemingly unrelated stories.
One was about Franklin D. Roosevelt, the 32nd President of the United States, who led the country through the Great Depression and World War II. Despite being paralyzed from the waist down at age 39, Roosevelt maintained a remarkable perspective on life's challenges.
He once said:
“If you can’t use your legs and they bring you milk when you wanted orange juice, you learn to say ‘that’s all right,’ and drink it.”
The second story involved the market reaction to Nvidia's earnings release in late August. Despite being the top semiconductor company and continuing to beat estimates on both top and bottom lines, the company's stock price still dipped 8% on the following trading day.
The reason?
Investors were disappointed by the company’s forward guidance, despite the strong performance.
Can you recognize the connection between these two stories?
It highlights a fundamental principle of life: the relationship between expectations and happiness.
The Happiness Equation: Reality vs. Expectations
There is a powerful equation that underlies our emotional state:
Happiness = Reality - Expectations
When reality doesn’t meet our expectations, disappointment and frustration follow. Conversely, when our expectations align with or fall below reality, we experience satisfaction and happiness.
This "expectation-reality gap" explains why higher expectations often lead to greater dissatisfaction, while more grounded or flexible expectations can enhance our well-being.
But how do we often fall into this gap? Let’s explore some common mistakes we make with expectations.
Common Expectation Mistakes
I am liked by everyone.
We all want to be liked. However, trying to please everyone sets us up for failure. It’s impossible to meet everyone’s expectations, and the pursuit of universal likability drains us of authenticity. Instead, focus on being true to yourself. Accept that not everyone will approve of you, but stay open to constructive feedback to keep improving.
Reflect: Have you ever sacrificed your true self just to fit in or be liked? How did that impact your sense of happiness?
I can change others.
It’s easy to overestimate our ability to change people - especially in close relationships. For instance, many believe that their spouse or partner will change their habits over time. But think about how hard it is to change one of your own habits. We have full control over our actions and even then, it's difficult to bring about lasting change. Expecting others to change only sets us up for disappointment.
Reflect: Consider a time when you expected someone to change. How did that affect your relationship?
Life should be fair.
When life throws unexpected challenges our way, we often think, this isn’t fair. But expecting life to be completely fair leads to frustration. Many people are born into difficult circumstances, yet some manage to thrive despite these challenges. Instead of seeing setbacks as personal injustices, view them as opportunities for growth and learning.
Reflect: How can you shift your perspective from expecting fairness to embracing challenges as learning opportunities?
I will always be recognized for what I do.
Recognition is a natural human desire. Yet expecting to be acknowledged for every contribution can drain our motivation. There will be times when our efforts go unnoticed. By shifting focus from external validation to internal satisfaction, we stop tying our happiness to the approval of others and become self-motivated.
Reflect: Have you ever felt demotivated when your efforts went unrecognized? How can you shift your focus from external recognition to personal fulfillment?
Hard work alone leads to success.
Hard work is important, but it’s not the only factor in success. As discussed in a previous article on the MILES framework, success is influenced by many factors beyond effort alone. The MILES framework outlines five elements that can create “unfair” advantages:
Money
Intelligence and Insight
Location and Luck
Education and Expertise
Status
Recognizing these factors helps us understand that success is multi-dimensional. We should stay humble in success and keep faith when we fail.
How Do We Minimize the Expectation-Reality Gap?
The key question is: How can we minimize the expectation-reality gap while maintaining our motivation and ambition?
It’s easy to lower expectations and avoid disappointment, but this approach can stifle growth. Instead, we should aim to set realistic expectations while remaining motivated to achieve more. This is where the concept of the Reality Growth Mindset comes into play.
Cultivating a Reality Growth Mindset
"A reality-growth mindset is the ability to accept the hard limits of the way things are (like the physical laws of the universe) and also to believe that anything is possible (the metaphysical way of looking at the universe).” - The Unfair Advantage (Hasan Kubba & Ash Ali)
To put it simply, this mindset embraces both realism and optimism. On one hand, we must accept the hard facts of life—like the laws of physics. No matter how hard we try, we can't defy gravity and touch the clouds.
On the other hand, adopting a metaphysical view allows us to see beyond the present limitations. We may not physically touch the clouds, but we can imagine them as symbols of our dreams, pushing us to jump higher and aim further.
Balancing both perspectives is essential. Being realistic keeps us grounded, while optimism fuels creativity and ambition.
Finding this balance is key to setting expectations that keep us motivated without leading to disappointment.
Ways to Foster a Reality Growth Mindset:
Set Flexible Goals: Aim high, but be open to adjusting your expectations as circumstances change. This reduces the pressure of unmet expectations while keeping you focused on progress.
Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes: Shifting your attention from results to the process allows you to find joy in the journey, rather than disappointment in unmet results.
Reframe Setbacks as Learning Opportunities: When reality doesn’t meet expectations, see it as a chance to learn and grow rather than a reason to give up.
Finding Balance in Expectations
The MILES framework helps us identify our unique advantages and set expectations that align with reality.
For example, if you’re passionate about basketball but stand 1.6 meters tall, aiming to become an NBA superstar may lead to disappointment. But excelling as a coach, commentator, or sports analyst could offer fulfilling alternatives aligned with your strengths.
Reflect: In what areas of your life could adjusting your expectations lead to greater satisfaction and success?
Expectations, Reality, and the Path to Happiness
There’s no escaping the fact that our expectations influence our happiness. But by cultivating a Reality Growth Mindset, we can minimize the expectation-reality gap while staying ambitious and motivated.
The next time your expectations fall short, ask yourself: Is it time to adjust my goals, or shift my mindset?
The key to sustained happiness isn’t in lowering expectations but in aligning them with reality and embracing the opportunities that come with each challenge.
That’s all for today. Till next week!
Cheers,
Do Thi Dieu Thuong